New Beginnings for Couples: How to Save Your Relationship in 5 Steps

Most people want a fulfilling relationship but are not willing to invest time and energy.

Are you in a crisis but don't want to give up? Then this LoveLetter is for you:

Relationship crises don't have to mean the end and could even be an opportunity to strengthen the relationship. So before you think about breaking up, read this blog. I got married when I was 20 and we have been a couple for over 18 years . We have experienced ups and downs and overcome crises together. Our relationship is deeper, more passionate and more honest than ever before. Maybe I can inspire you to take courage again and believe in your own relationship.

Different interests, future plans, unfulfilled needs, external stress factors or trust issues are just some of the reasons that can lead couples into deep crises.

First of all, one thing is crucial: saving a relationship requires the commitment of both partners and the willingness to work on the relationship.

Every relationship is unique and there is no one size fits all solution, but the willingness to respect each other and work together towards positive change is fundamental.

1. Understand the roots of the problem

Changes in ourselves and our relationships during different stages of life are normal and to be expected, so don't get frustrated and think it's just you. External factors like work, family, health and finances often play a crucial role as they can negatively affect our relationships. Really understanding the causes of problems is crucial to being able to change and respond to them.

Often, unresolved issues from the past are the cause of current relationship difficulties. People often search for what they missed in their childhood in relationships. Relationship problems often occur at certain stages, such as after the initial infatuation phase or during major life changes.

The most common reasons for relationship problems are: different priorities, mistrust, disregard for boundaries, poor communication, a boring sex life, constant arguments about the same issues, wrong compromises, uncertainty about the future and financial problems. Lack of communication often leads to misunderstandings and conflicts because thoughts and expectations are not expressed. Lack of trust can automatically lead to distancing and tension.

2. Communication is always the first step

Communication is at the heart of every relationship and goes far beyond words. A respectful and appreciative exchange is crucial to rebuilding trust, resolving conflicts and experiencing a deep connection.

I also like to talk about “radical honesty”. Especially when the relationship has reached a point where we are asking ourselves “if it can still be saved”, we should not hide our needs but rather bring all issues to the table. Of course, this has enormous potential for conflict, but your relationship and you are worth really being heard.

Learn to remain respectful in this communication, do not accuse each other and try to understand the other person’s perspective.

3. Redefine common goals

Discussing and agreeing on personal values ​​and lifestyles is crucial to creating a shared vision and direction. It is important to maintain individuality while building a life together. Recognizing and accepting differences, finding a balance between individual and shared time, and solving problems together strengthens a relationship. The balance between security and belonging needs on the one hand and freedom, growth and development needs on the other is crucial.

We made a complete career change a few years ago and I went through a major internal change. Now you could say that my wife married another man. He had different beliefs, a different job and different goals for his life. We had to redefine together who we are and what our relationship will look like in this phase.

Five essential questions you can ask yourself:

1. What has worked well in our relationship in the past?

2. What do we want to eliminate from our relationship because it has a negative impact?

3. What would have to change in our relationship for me to feel comfortable?

4. What do I need from you to have confidence in the future of our relationship?

5. What need do I think will never be met if we stay together?

4. The meaning of forgiveness

Forgiveness is an essential step toward healing and improving relationships. However, forgiveness is not always easy and requires courage.

Forgiveness as a Process and Choice

1. Forgiveness is a process that can involve several steps, including recognizing one's victimhood, letting go of resentment, understanding the benefits of forgiveness, and making a conscious decision to forgive.

2. It is important to acknowledge and process the pain caused by the wrongdoing before attempting to forgive,

3. Forgiveness is also a choice that can be made at any time and should not be seen as a sign of weakness.

Forgiveness is crucial for inner peace and living in the here and now. It helps free up energy for what you really want to create. Not forgiving can lead to negative emotions such as hatred, revenge, anger, bitterness and disappointment. Chronic anger and bitterness can negatively affect physical health.

Forgiveness allows us to let go of the past and deepen our relationships. If our relationship is in crisis because of hurt, forgiveness will be a key to change.

5. Rebuild emotional closeness

Intimacy, which includes emotional, physical and personal closeness, is an essential aspect of a relationship. To revitalize the relationship, it is important to prioritize the relationship, plan regular date nights, rediscover each other, surprise your partner, establish new rituals, seek new experiences, accept change, embrace more lightness and pay attention to each other.

Therapy can also help couples navigate relationship crises and decide whether they want to work on restoring their love.

Extra Point: Passionate Sex in Long-Term Relationships

This is a hot topic, but I am convinced that this step is unavoidable in order to save your relationship. Statistics paint a relatively clear picture: many relationships fail because their sexuality has either ceased to exist or has died down. Their needs are diverging and dissatisfaction is taking up more and more space.

So if you want to save your relationship, you shouldn't ignore sex. The hardest part is talking about it. How do I say what I really think and feel without hurting the other person?

We have developed a special DateNight that helps couples to talk honestly and openly about sexuality. ( NOTE: to do this DateNight, your basic trust should be intact. If you are in the middle of a crisis, you should consider bringing a couples therapist on board. )

Tip: DateNight for you as a couple: Write a list of 6 restaurants in your area. Write a number after each one. Write down 6 colors, also with a number. Now everyone rolls the dice once and the result is the restaurant and the colors of your clothes (of course you can roll the dice several times for more variety with clothes)